A New York Moment
At a pizza by the slice place I lock eyes with a man ordering pizza with his friends. He gives me a head nod of acknowledgement. I mention that they have made the smart choice of ordering a whole pie instead of going by the slice. Then I learn they are just getting their individual slices in one box.
We are thrust into conversation with their friend group. They are going to a board game meet up next door, and they invite us. Chris the guy I just met moved to New York recently. I learn that he does improv with improv now, that he is making a video game, and that his main project is music. All in a few quick sentences. He's not selling himself more so energetically sharing who he is, and what he likes. I was in the pizza place with 3 other friends. Before I know it Chris's two other friends are talking to my friends.
One of my friends who is into video game development gets Chris's contact info. Ultimately we decide not to join them for board games. Turns out that Chris, and my friend are both going to a Super Smash Bros tournament today at a bar in Bushwick.
New York is a huge city that can be overwhelming, but at any given moment you have a chance at connection. Sometimes it's you and someone else on the train giving each other a knowing look, because something ridiculous is happening. Other times you make a new friend, and just as easily as you meet someone they are gone again.
These chance encounters are so wonderful, because you have no expectations. The norm is to mind your business. It's easy to assume that people don't want to talk. They either have places to be, need time to themselves, or they're on their phone, have headphones in, are reading a book. Perhaps it's that I lack the ability to casually strike up conversation, but if someone is talking to you maybe they want something from you. Maybe they simply want a friend, or companionship, to be acknowledged, but because you don't know what people want it can be hard to interact with them.
Once a man approached me on the subway platform and asked me what time it was. Then he asked me when the next train was coming. Then he started talking to me. When the train arrived we entered the same car, and he asked me to sit next to him. Despite not being attracted to men I have to say that not knowing what time it was is not a good first line. My first impression was that this guy was lost. My next impression was how bad his teeth looked. When we talked I wasn't making eye contact I was staring straight at his yellow, and brown teeth. He told me he was lonely, and he asked me out. At least he made what he wanted clear and known to me, and I knew to keep my distance, despite talking to him for the duration of my ride. Another time a man walked in to the train carrying a huge bag of plastic bottles and cans for recycling. He told me about his family, how he lived in Staten Island, and details I don't remember. Anyway the point is some interactions are going to be welcome, and some won't be.
Yesterday I was reflecting more on the idea of having no expectations. When I was dating I heard the advice various times to not have any expectations. What I think people mean by this is the best you can hope for is a good time, and that's it. The reality though is this is nearly impossible. When you agree to go on a date there is an expectation. You expect people to show up on time. You expect that your date will try to view you in a romantic light, and that they will be interested in you. If you had a great time, you can maybe guess that they did as well, so why wouldn't they want to meet up again?!
Dating is a really complicated social interaction arguably made more difficult in some ways by online dating. However, I experienced a similar tension with making friends. Up until recently I was going to a lot of random events. Part of my hope from these events was that I would make connections and friends. At Reading Rhythms the idea is that you bring a book to read. Then alternate between reading for a silent period, and then talking for a period. I sat next to a man from Georgia (the country). I lamented to the guy how these events were so difficult because the point is for connection, but nonetheless it seems hard to meet people. One challenge to these events is that people are commuting in from a lot of different places. Another challenge is that people are busy, so when are you going to have the opportunity to meet again?
Despite being vulnerable about it being difficult to find connection, and taking the train home for part of our commute when I reached out to this man later he never replied. Having those interactions frustrate me, because they go against my expectations. There's of course no guarantees, but if someone gives you their number you might consider that they would be willing to interact. Granted it's a lot easier to share a number, and not respond later than to do the rejection in the moment. People are also pretty busy.
When I went to these events my expectation was that I would at least have a conversation with someone, and sometimes that wouldn't even happen. It's easy to forget how friendship happens. In San Francisco I had built a large network of people I knew, and I benefited from this momentum. When I went places I didn't need to find more friends nor was I looking for friends, so when I found them it was a pleasant surprise. Compared to the first year+ that I was in New York where I was looking for friends and not finding them.
a major enhancement to life is the ability to feel attraction and simply enjoy it without feeling compelled to grasp or pursue the object of one’s attraction. i think a lot of people would relax a great deal if they honed their ability to feel desire, even savor it, without…
— melissa’s mammalian vibe reflex (@melissajenna) January 10, 2025
if you love a flower, let it be. Love is not about possession. Love is about appreciation. - Osho
The tweet, and the quote capture the essence of the observation. At least in the realm of relationships if you pursue things too passionately it may paradoxically not work out. This is hard though! If you don't have friends, or you don't have a significant other, and you have been spending a long time trying to find it then I think it makes total sense to get frustrated. I personally don't have that zen mentality to accept that I have limited control over how things play out even though that is the reality.
The other reality is you can certainly make a difference in furthering your relationships. If there's people you find interesting it could be worthwhile trying to get to know them better. If there's people that make an effort to see you and you enjoy their company you should make the effort to join their plans and suggest your own plans. Even though going to events doesn't guarantee you will meet someone you're probably more likely to meet someone at an event than in the subway. You can also be strategic about how you search for friendship such as signing up for a series of classes where you'll see the same people over the course of weeks. Trying to organize gatherings outside of the class. Even attending one off classes, but consistently doing gives you the opportunity to see familiar faces.
In my Sophomore year of college I was in a business statistics class which enrolled probably like 200 people, but maybe only 10 attended, because the lectures were recorded, and the teacher was not entertaining at all. Every class a redhead with a nose ring (the same redhead) would sit next to me. At this point in college I had decided that I had no interest in meeting people in the business college so I didn't even bother talking to this person. One day after meeting a very close friend of mine, Thomas, I was telling him what classes I was in, and then he said oh business statistics my friend Lindsay is in that class she has red hair, and freckles. It was a funny moment, because she had been sitting next to me the whole time. The sitting next to me is also more meaningful because there were only 10 people. We each could've had our own row, or tons of chairs in between us, but she would come in the same row, and leave only 1 seat in between us.
Thomas told me that Lindsay had been trying to avoid having people mention Breakfast At Tiffany's so the next class she came in, sat next to me, and I finally talked to her by saying hey have you heard of Breakfast At Tiffany's? Her mind was blown, and from that point forward we were friends, and we would talk in class. It's very hard to be searching for something you can't obtain. When you're lucky enough to have dropped that search it's nice to experience the spontaneous moments that arise in our lives. I hope to continue growing my friendships, and to make new ones in interesting ways, but maybe I should drop those expectations!