Life Paths
When I was in high school I largely excelled in various subjects. I also enjoyed all the subjects. Perhaps I found history the most fascinating, but I also wanted to be challenged in college. Music seemed the most inspiring subject. In almost every other subject I was relying on memorization. I likely would do bad in math classes, because I would try to memorize the process for solving the problem, and I generally understood the process, but would probably over apply the pattern on tests. Unlike the other subjects I studied, music had an emotional connection.
When we played a known song in band it was fun to bring that music to life. Sometimes we played sad songs, and it was fun to bring the emotionality out of a piece. It was nice to experience the whole being greater than the sum of the parts. If you isolated any individual part of the music it would sound okay, but together the band could make a majestic sound. The music would occasionally give me goosebumps, other subjects would rarely do that. The songs would get stuck in my head, and I would hum them in the hallways at school, and as I walked home.
Music provided the opportunity to preform in various places. We played at halftime shows, in basketball games, at pep rallies, at parades, at 9/11 commemorations, and I am sure there were many more places. My brother reminds me that when we were in the Midnight Summer Night's Dream play they wanted me to play the trumpet poorly, but I refused. I had pride in my music.
After learning how to play one instrument I had the foundations for learning other instruments. My ambitious ended up being larger than my discipline, but I accumulated a ukulele, a mandolin, a melodica, an electric keyboard, a bass guitar, an electric guitar, an acoustic guitar, and harmonica. Music brought me a lot of joy, and it was really magical. I wasn't particularly good at it, but I wanted to share the gift of music that I had received. I wanted to study music education.
In order to study music education you need to get accepted into the University where you would like to study academically and you need to pass a musical audition to get admitted into the music school. I started preparing for the auditions, and my parents drove me to two different Florida cities to audition. I was incredibly nervous in the auditions. I remember shaking while playing, and doing terribly at site reading. My ability to play a piece of sheet music sight unseen never got too strong, and I also didn't perfect the pieces that I had prepared. Add to that being nervous, and ultimately I failed the auditions at two schools, and canceled my audition at the last school.
I'm sure there could've of been a path to entering a music school. I believe both music schools suggested that I do a music minor, and that would've probably been pretty fun. I was pretty defeated at the results, and opted to study Economics, since that was a class I started enjoying in high school as well. My study of economics led me to study mathematics as well, and ultimately I didn't really have time to take music classes.
I was pretty frustrated with the decision of being denied. Sometimes I think it reflects poorly on my awareness about my skill level. Although I auditioned for honors bands and was accepted to the honors bands I was always the last chair. As a rule, I think, the honors bands always had to have someone represented from every school and since no one else from my school was auditioning I was maybe always guaranteed a spot. My frustration also stemmed from the idea that there would exist such a high barrier to doing music education. In the United States teachers aren't highly respected, and there's likely a shortage of teachers. To make matters worse in schools arts programs are often one of the first things to get cut, so it's hard to grasp being turned away from something that on paper may not be that desirable.
I can't be too frustrated, because I am definitely earning more than what I would likely be earning as a music educator, and I enjoy my job as well as the flexibility that comes with it. Nonetheless, it's hard not to think of what ifs. I haven't pondered it too deeply, but I wonder how different my life would be as a music teacher. Would I have stayed in Florida, because it was the education system that I knew? Would coastal cities have been less accessible to me, because teachers earn less, or would I have sought out areas where despite being expensive they treat the teachers better? How long would I have lasted as a music teacher? Would I've delved into trying to teach multiple subjects, and would I maybe end up on the path of wanting to become a software engineer anyway?
My failed attempts at being a music teacher came to mind recently, because I've had the chance to teach people a few things. I really enjoy the teaching process so it got me thinking how things would be if I had pursued music education. Notably the music education auditions were all based on my ability to play an instrument, and not based on my ability to teach. It's snarky but if they were good music education programs they could've applied their teaching abilities to improving my playing abilities. The reality is probably that their studios had limited space, and they might be selecting for who they believe would make their orchestras sound the best.
The two things I got to teach recently were how to juggle, and providing computer science / programming help to a less technical colleague. One really enjoyable element of teaching for me is that it helps me realize how much I actually know. Another trite, but true benefit of teaching is that it helps solidify the concepts for you. With my colleague I was hypothesizing that something worked a certain way, and my colleague was dubious and in the end it turned out that their intuition was right. It was cool to see that they were making their own connections, and predictions about how things would work.
It's possible that I could pursue another profession now like music education. It's hard to know what the future holds in store for us, but a big benefit of software engineering is that it pays well, so it can allow people financial flexibility to explore more career paths with less risk. Conversely though once you are accustomed to earning a certain amount, and growing your savings at a certain rate or living a certain lifestyle then it can be hard to change your quality of life.
Life is never as it seems, and it can always change in surprising ways. In a capitalist society it's hard not to participate in the rat race. I have mixed feelings about the rat race. Sometimes it feels incredibly rewarding, and worthwhile to apply yourself, and to succeed. At other points it seems more worthwhile to enjoy life, spend time with your friends, and do things you enjoy. Today I read a blog post the loom CEO wrote. The title I am rich and have no idea what to do with my life kind of speaks for itself. I think it does go to show that life has its ups and downs. I'm assuming that while Vinay was creating loom he was pretty engaged and things felt rewarding, and now he's in a current lull and moment of self discovery. Vinay is currently in the jungle studying physics.
At the very least it's fun to entertain different life decisions and options. Prior to moving to NYC I contemplated moving to Europe. When I first moved to NYC I was only here for a 3 months, and I thought about going to New Orleans and immersing myself in jazz, or going to Hawaii and trying to take up surfing. Maybe I could live in a ski town for a few months, and get better at skiing. Perhaps I could go somewhere where outdoor climbing was good, and dive deeper into that. Ultimately I stayed in NYC, and I've enjoyed my time. Regardless, every time I open up strava and see all the fun rides that my friends are doing in the Bay Area I feel like I'm missing out, and think how having a homecoming to San Francisco could be fun.
For me it feels like the younger that I am the more opportunities that are present, and as you age the opportunities start narrowing. This isn't entirely true, because as you get older you might have more resources, and you might have exposure to more things that allow you to make more interesting decisions. In some ways it certainly feels like the window of opportunity was larger before I decided what to study than when I graduated college, despite the fact that you can always go back to college, and that's actually what I did.
When I was thinking of going to Europe I was still applying for software engineering jobs, but the salaries were so much less! My brother suggested that I go, and explore something different if I wasn't going to earn a lot anyway like being a bike mechanic. Two years ago when I went to Spain I met a guy and his friends who had quit their jobs to bike across Europe. This guy is one of the few people I follow on instagram, and I saw that he had recently biked from Mexico to Alaska. These adventures sound awesome. Sometimes it's better to live through others adventures then your own. What I realized when moving to New York City is that I valued friendship, and that it was hard to make many friends, so it wouldn't have made sense for me to move.
Anyway what's the point? That's something we probably ask ourselves throughout our lives, and we work to find meaningful answers. How can we stay happy, what do we enjoy, what should we do, how should use our time? Is it really that bad if we are spending too many hours on our phones? There's so much that each of us won't be able to do. Cities left unvisited, books we won't read, friends you should've talked to more, cinema you could've watched, food you could've savored. The list goes on. Sometimes we want to do nothing. To me doing nothing sounds blissful, but I can't sit still or do nothing! It's a paradox. Sometimes nothing brings us joy. It seems like Vinay Hiremath is not enjoying things that much currently, and I hope he does soon. I hope to continue enjoying life's meandering path and surprises while stressing (hopefully not needlessly) about how to do it right.