First Love
It's my mom. The end!
My mom to this day showers me with "te quiero mucho" poured onto every conversation like it's a part of speech. In the same way someone might say "like" or "uhm" I've received the beautiful outpouring of support. When it comes time to be on her deathbed, expressing her admiration for her loved ones will not be a regret.
There's so many other loves! Like my love of tomatoes that I called "mate" when I was 1, or the love for my first dog Flor who perhaps I named. My best friend Juan Francisco who I had to leave when my family left Colombia. He wrote to me later, and sent me pictures of dinosaurs he drew. Humberto my next best friend who I parted ways with when my family moved from one idyllic named Florida town to another.
My love for our cat Ben who we gave up for adoption when the doctor told us I was incredibly allergic, and at an earlier point the love for the N64 that my brother scored for $20 at a garage sale and where each game was $3. We made money selling this many years later! My love of good deals!
I fell in love with school when I realized in 3rd grade that if I applied myself I could succeed. The first few years I was likely getting acclimated to English!
What about the love of cupid's arrow? Where love carries a heavy weight, and it's not a term to toss around easily.
There was the trip to Mt. Tam where I slipped, fell and ripped my pants. I had no idea, and she told me. "Not that I was looking, but your pants are ripped at your butt."
My unit lost power, and she signed up for electricity updates and kept me informed.
The insistence that I join her and her roommates on the Tahoe trip! Not charging me for the Tahoe trip! Almost losing it when I got a nose bleed in the car during the trip. Being alone together in a kayak in the middle of Lake Tahoe. I didn't dare ask her out then oh the terror of ruining a camping trip! Or her pleas of "oh no I am going to be sleeping alone in my tent" I also didn't dare! I did dare to smell her armpit since she's fortunate enough to not produce body odor there.
It was a Monday morning phone call where before I was going to express my feelings she said "wait let me put on pants", so random quirky and cute. When you like someone probably whatever they do is the most endearing thing!
I said "I like you like you" and "can I be your 21 day boyfriend" and we settled on discussing this later. We met 2 days later in Japantown. Stopped by Nijiya and bought some sushi that we ate on the benches. We walked around for 2 hours avoiding the topic at hand, until I said "what have you been deliberating about?". She pulled out a note from her jacket that was a list of pros and cons.
Pros: She had ended something ambiguous
Cons: What if we liked each other too much? (She was moving to London in 3 months and out of SF in 20 something days)
We meandered across the city went to Alta Plaza Park, walked down the Lyon Streets steps, over to the Presidio to catch the Sunset, down to the Yoda statue, over to the Palace of Fine Arts. The general consensus was she would prioritize being friends with me what was the difference anyway? That night when I got home she called, but I was hanging out with my brother. The next morning I called back and she said yeah we can date.
The week before she left we were hanging out. We went to get food at Bread N' Chu. As we waited for our order tears were coming out of our eyes. We took the food home, and ate through our tears. There was still a week to spend together, but this was sad.
I got to visit her and her parents in San Diego. We had ceviche in a styrofoam cup in the back of her car as I learned about the impact of environmental justice on working class neighborhoods like Barrio Logan. On the street we were called a cute couple by a random passerby. At Tory Pines a woman photographed us and said she would draw us, we never got the drawing. We had overpriced virgin Pina Coladas in Cornado. She entertained my weird tourist interests like going to Old Town or seeing the UCSD library. We stopped for a nap at Balboa park. The nearby park goers were scared away, by our cuddling, they gave us distance. Upon waking up from my nap I whispered "I love you".
One night we all made bao buns with her parents. Even though I continually failed to fold the buns correctly her parents were incredibly supportive. I learned about the cultural revolution in China, how no one would respect their teachers. How her dad had to pay off a bureaucrat by getting them a refrigerator which would've cost 2 full years of salary, but he was able to report the bureaucrat and get a passport to come to the US.
We agreed we wouldn't do long distance dating. Despite this we acted like a couple. Thankfully she put an end to it, and sadly for me that became the beginning of the end. We talked past each other over the course of months in group chats. Until I felt like I was being ignored, and couldn't take it anymore so made a big announcement to the whole group chat and left.
My friends reached out, and had me over for dinner. I vaguely remember making pesto. It was great to have the support of friends, and it was hard to hear their advice: "move on". As helpful as my friends were I probably could've benefited from more help, and it's hard to reach out and ask for it. One day of support is amazing, but the feelings persist for longer.
It has been almost 2 years since that dinner, close to 3 years since the relationship ended. I give myself a hard time over fixating on something that lasted about 3 months, but has stuck with me for way more. There was minimal closure, and we no longer talk. My expectations were that we could remain friends. Sometimes I wonder if it was worth it. If we didn't date we'd likely still be friends.
I'm glad I took the chance! Finding love requires you to be vulnerable, and I probably should be taking even more chances!